When Anger Is Hard to Have | Part 3
Someone says something, and you feel hurt.
Perhaps they criticize a decision. Perhaps they tell a private story in front of others. Perhaps they say something about your relationship that you did not want to hear.
“That was hurtful,” you tell them.
The words seem to describe what happened. But they leave several things unclear.
What, specifically, did the person say or do? What did you feel? What did their words mean to you? And what are you saying about their intention?
Before deciding how to respond fairly, it helps to examine the word itself.
“I felt hurt” describes your experience.
“That was hurtful” places a description on the other person’s words or behavior. Depending on how it is used and heard, it can also imply that they were careless, unkind, or trying to cause pain.
Those are different claims.
The word can compress them into one statement, making the judgment less visible because it arrives wrapped in a feeling. Challenging the judgment can then sound like denying the pain.
You say, “That was hurtful.”
They say, “I wasn’t trying to hurt you.”
You say, “You don’t get to tell me how I feel.”
Now you are defending your experience, and they are defending their intention. Neither has necessarily understood what the other is saying.
Your hurt deserves acknowledgment. Your interpretation deserves examination. Both can happen in the same conversation.
Suppose someone says, “I don’t think that plan is realistic.”
You feel hurt and angry. You hear: You are foolish. You cannot be trusted to make decisions.
Perhaps that is what they meant. Perhaps they have a specific concern about the plan. Perhaps their tone was dismissive, even though their concern was reasonable.
You can begin with what you know:
“When you said my plan wasn’t realistic, I heard it as a judgment about my ability to make decisions. I felt hurt and angry. What were you concerned about?”
That gives your interpretation a place in the conversation without presenting it as an established fact.
The answer may change your understanding. It may confirm a concern. Either way, there is more information available than the word hurtful supplied.
Virginia Satir’s concept of congruence honors self, other, and context. It includes acknowledging your feelings and taking responsibility for how you respond.
Here, that means your pain belongs in the conversation. So does the other person’s account of what they meant. The circumstances matter too: a private disagreement differs from public ridicule, and an isolated mistake differs from a repeated pattern.
You do not have to invent a charitable explanation for everything.
If someone shared information you had explicitly asked them to keep private, you can name that action. If they called you a name, you can identify the words. Uncertainty about intent does not prevent you from describing behavior or deciding what you will accept.
Owning your feelings does not give someone else permission to disregard their conduct.
The Gottman Institute’s guidance on beginning a difficult conversation emphasizes describing the situation, expressing feelings, and stating what you need without attacking the other person’s character.
For example:
“You told that story after I asked you to keep it private. I felt exposed and angry. I want you to check with me before sharing personal information about me.”
That is more specific than “You were being hurtful.” It identifies an action and a request.
Specific language cannot guarantee a receptive response. The other person may disagree, become defensive, or refuse the request. Greater clarity helps you understand that response and decide what to do next.
In Part 1, anger could coexist with love. In Part 2, tears did not disqualify you from speaking. Here, feeling hurt does not require immediate certainty about someone else’s motives.
You can pause, ask a question, state a limit, or return when you can speak more clearly. If the situation involves intimidation or violence, prioritize safety.
The aim is to understand your experience well enough to express it—and leave room to discover what you do not yet know.
"That was hurtful" may be a commonly used phrase in your world. What if it's time to retire it? I might replace it with "Oh! That surprised me." Followed by a clearer statement of the impact on me. What statement or statements might fit you better? Leave them in the comments below.
Part 1: Can I Be Angry With Someone I Love?
Part 2: Why Do I Cry When I’m Angry?
Part 3: How Can I Respond Fairly When Someone Is Being Hurtful?
Anne Lindyberg, LMHC (Iowa), LCPC (Illinois), integrates the experiential therapy of Virginia Satir with Deep Brain Reorienting (DBR) and the Alexander Technique. She specializes in helping adults with complex and developmental trauma create lasting emotional change through therapy. She addresses substance use when it occurs alongside another mental health concern; she does not provide stand-alone substance use treatment.
This article and other informational content on this website are provided for educational purposes only. They are not a substitute for individualized professional care, do not constitute advice specific to your circumstances, and do not establish a therapist-client relationship.
This work is created on the traditional and unceded lands of Indigenous peoples; a fuller acknowledgment of the land, its history, and its peoples is available on this website.
These blog posts are drafted with the support of ChatGPT. All posts are reviewed and edited by the author for accuracy, and consistency with the values of the author and this practice.
Satir, V., Banmen, J., Gerber, J., & Gomori, M. (1991). The Satir Model: Family Therapy and Beyond. Science & Behavior Books. Chapter 4, “Congruence,” pp. 66, 68. https://bit.ly/SatirModel1stEd
The Gottman Institute. “How to Fight Smarter: Soften Your Start-Up.” https://www.gottman.com/blog/softening-startup/
Midwest Center for Transformational Change PLC